


What I Have Learned in Defense Against the Dark Arts

by muse_in_absentia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:44:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3672858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muse_in_absentia/pseuds/muse_in_absentia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A smart-ass essay written in response to that most dreaded of all mid-term questions when asked by Gilderoy Lockhart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Have Learned in Defense Against the Dark Arts

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a short thing I did while bored a few years ago that I just found again in my stacks of writing and decided to share.
> 
> Unbeta'd.

As with all intelligent thought, the answer to this question cannot simply be arrived at by parroting back some drab piece of information handed neatly to a class of students that are only half listening, but must rather be deduced from all of those pieces of information cobbled together into some form of a rational answer. Having sat through nearly half a year of this class I have come to the conclusion that the most important thing I have learned thus far is that the foulest, darkest, evilest creature we are ever expected to face must indeed be the dreaded Gilderoy Lockhart. This realization was reached through two very important pieces of information. The first is that the Defense Against the Dark Arts class is meant to teach us about the Dark Arts and how to protect ourselves from them, be they in the form of Dark creatures or Dark wizards and spells. The second is that thus far the only thing we have actually learned about this year is Gilderoy Lockhart. Anything that we are required to spend that much of our time learning about, to the exclusion of all other learning, must be truly important.  
Seeing as this is the case, allow me to outline a few of the most effective techniques for defending yourself against Gilderoy Lockhart.

1\. Probably the most important thing one must know in remaining Gilderoy Lockhart free is how to turn down an autograph. Gilderoy Lockhart can probably sign an autograph in his sleep and if one is not careful everything from school books to your lunch will soon be covered in loopy signatures. He may in fact be under some sort of auto-writing curse. The best method for this is to make certain you always have someplace convenient you need to be any time Gilderoy Lockhart reaches for a quill, and to keep any and all possessions well out of reach so there is not enough time to scribble an autograph while you make your escape.

2\. The second, and nearly as effective, approach for defending yourself against Gilderoy Lockhart is to never have read any of his books. If you have been unfortunate enough to have been required to read them or, more egregious, been tricked into reading them, make it very clear that you found his accomplishments mundane, his writing heavy handed and dull, and his cover photos tacky. Any of these comments will usually have the effect of quieting any of his prattle that may have been directed at you for at least a couple of days.

3\. Thirdly, develop a severe allergy to lurid colors. While this may not be the most effective method for completely ridding yourself of a Gilderoy Lockhart infestation it will provide you with a guaranteed escape method as you will need to visit the hospital wing every time you are faced with Gilderoy Lockhart’s preferred choice of wardrobe.

4\. The fourth method for ensuring your safety from the dreaded Gilderoy Lockhart is probably the most effective, even if it is the shortest lasting. Any time Gilderoy Lockhart attempts to speak to you let him get started and then casually point out that he has something stuck in his teeth. This will cause Gilderoy Lockhart to disappear so quickly you will believe someone has used a banishing charm as he does not want to risk the smile that captured him _Witch Weekly’s_ Most-Charming-Smile Award five times.

For anyone inflicted with a bad case of being subjected to this most deadly of all creatures, Gilderoy Lockhart, please keep these simple rules in mind for hopefully at least avoiding being bored to tears as he recounts his many pompously overinflated achievements once again.


End file.
